BlackOut

 

It’s dark out tonight

Darker than it’s been in a long time

It’s so black

It’s darkest of blacks

To the point where there is no difference

Between when my eyes are open or closed

Not a slither of light makes it through

And cold

It’s icy cold

Bone chilling in a way that hurts my teeth

The type of cold you can’t get warm from

And I want to hide

Somewhere safe and warm

I want to curl up under the covers

And breathe in hot air

I want to sleep for a thousand years

I’m weary and lost

I turn into myself

But the darkness deepens

The temperature drops

And a door closes.

Never Really Mine

As you walk away
My heart is heavy
Panic cracks through me
Pulsing a tremor
Separating what is
From what was
I can barely breathe
As I look around
At this place that used to be us
No more gentleness or kind eyes
You've taken your nervous touch
And your hesitant love
So I'm in a room full of nothing
Alone with a pitiful needing and wanting
Alone
Alone
Alone until I find a way to feel free again.

Mind Warp

 

















Sometimes I felt alone
Not knowing if you were with me
And that heart flutter of expectation and adventure
Felt awfully like my heart lurching with dread.

Forever

When I think of the time I spent with you
My body shakes
With the excitement of being overwhelmed
Your penetrating look
Challenged me to give you more
Than I thought I could
Your soft touch
Ignited a fire
Which I thought was lost
Your whisper lingering in the dark
Told me words which calmed my chaos
And kept me there with you
As it was happening
I knew
This would be a time to remember
One that would not last
One that would haunt me
One that would change me
Forever.

Feel It

 















This isn’t about you

It’s about being in love

And no matter how wonderful it might be

Your ordinary life is turned upside down

And inside out

By a stranger

The peace of feeling nothing

Is gone

Replaced by adventure

Yet regulated by self-defense

And you wonder

If your biggest lie

Brings you closer

To your biggest truth

That you will gamble everything because

You are afraid of feeling nothing.

You Said...

 











You lay in bed next to me

And you said

For the life of you

You couldn’t imagine how

Anyone would ever want to leave.

Really...

I can't believe you're walking away
You absolute fucking idiot.

The Dream

I kept having the same dream

Over and over

I came into a crowded party

And saw you across the room

I wanted to talk with you

Feel your arms around me

Kiss you –

Anything

But no matter how much I pushed

No matter how hard I tried

I could never quite get to you

And I’d wake up desolate

Feeling an ache in my heart

Missing you

It was the saddest feeling I’d ever had

Not being able to reach you in this world either.

Too Much

You had so much life in you

It took my breath away

I wanted to follow you around

And be a part of your whirlwind

You didn’t hesitate to open the door

And let me walk right on in

When the dust settled

We held onto each other and suffocated.

I See The Sea

 














Every time you walk into the room
It is like seeing
The first glimpse of sea on the horizon
You take my breath away
And make my heart flutter
With expectation and adventure.

You were...

 












You were flash and fancy

Spice and richness

You were a thunderstorm on a summer day
And an earthquake I didn't see coming.

The Magic Trick

One day

Out of the blue

You disappeared

And my heart lurched with dread.

Let It Be

I am going to stop holding onto you

I’m going to stop building my world around you. 

If you want to stay, great

If you don’t

Others will replace you

Just like others will replace me

And although I’m sad

It’s how it has to be.

Heavy Heart

That's when I realized

I had squandered love

It hurt to see you wounded

But this was kinder

Than stringing you along

I would never have called it that

Back then

Because I still wanted you

Still loved you

Still thought about you

Felt my heart leaden and heavy

And wanted to run back to you every day

You thought it didn't affect me

But it did.

The Cottage

There's a cottage in the woods

It has my name on it

You live there

With someone who is not me

Someone who was brave

Brave enough to promise you forever

And I envy her

But I don't

Because it has my name on it.

What If...

What if
I didn't love you enough to get married
When I did feel old enough

What if

My life was just beginning

And marriage felt like a trap

What if
I knew I couldn’t live in your life

And you couldn’t live in mine

What if

I needed us to be more

But you liked how we were

What if

Our lives looked like this forever

What if…

Too Young

I was too young to get married

Even though I loved you

And it wasn’t fair to make you wait

Because what if…

You Did Everything Slowly

Until the day you got scared and moved too fast

You were worried you were losing me - you weren’t

I told you I’d love you forever

And decades later I love you still

But you were afraid

You questioned my love

You held me too tight

You wanted all my time

You suffocated me

I couldn’t live like that

You lost trust in my love

So you challenged me to prove it

And that’s not love

Is it

Your Way

 

You did everything slowly

Because you knew I would freak out and run for the hills if I saw it coming.

The Unexpected Winner

You always made me want you 

It defied all reason 

It didn’t matter what I promised myself, you always, always won 

And I was always glad you did.

Little By Little

 














You knew how to love me

You knew how I needed to be loved

It made everything so effortless, so easy

And every time you made sure you left me as you’d found me 

So I didn’t even realize you’d taken anything

And you did this until I couldn’t live without you

That’s how I learned to love - little by little.

You were...

You were baby powder and dirty oil 

Sweetness and cunning 

You were a field of grass swaying in the wind and a whisper on my lips.